As we journey through life, many of us are deeply attuned to the emotions and energies around us. While some confidently pursue a self-oriented, go-getting approach, others find themselves overwhelmed by the feelings and needs of those they encounter. If you've ever felt like you absorb the emotions of others or struggle to set boundaries, you might identify as an empath or a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). In this article, we'll explore the interplay of nature and nurture for empaths and HSPs, how this sensitivity affects relationships, and practical steps to navigate a more balanced path.
The Invisible Weight: Challenges Faced by Empaths and HSPs
Empaths and HSPs often navigate a world that doesn't quite understand them. The ability to deeply connect with others can lead to:
- Overwhelm and Burnout: Constantly absorbing others' emotions can be exhausting.
- Self-Doubt: Prioritising others' needs may cause you to question your own worth.
- One-Sided Relationships: You might find yourself giving more than you receive.
- Difficulty Setting Boundaries: Saying "no" feels nearly impossible when you're attuned to others' desires and can feel their disappointment or distress deeply.
The Lighthouse vs. The Lifeboat
A simple way to visualise a balanced path through this is to imagine the difference between a lighthouse and a lifeboat. A lighthouse stands firm, radiating light to guide others, but it doesn't leave its foundation to rescue every ship in distress. A lifeboat, on the other hand, plunges into stormy seas to save others, risking its own safety.
As empaths, we often act like lifeboats, rushing to others' aid at our own expense. Embracing the lighthouse metaphor encourages us to support others while maintaining our own stability and well-being.
Empaths: Nature or Nurture
As a natural intuitive, I have always been very perceptive of my environment and the
people around me. From an early age I was described as sensitive, which was typically
accompanied by a sympathetic ‘ahhh’ or ‘bless him’, and gave me the distinct sense it was
something people either found endearing or else unfortunate depending on the tone and
facial expression used. At times I was told not to be so sensitive and remember struggling
with this type of demand as it left me wondering why those very people couldn’t be a
little bit more sensitive.
Looking back, it explains why I was more susceptible to the emotions and dynamics
surrounding me, and nurtured into the roles of helper, joker and observer. It reduced the
stressful load that loved ones expressed being under. It also elicited praise and affirmation, which was a relief from my struggle to fit in other social environments at the time.
This interplay between nature and nurture shapes who we are and determines our
view of ourselves and the world around us. Exploring them helps give us an
understanding of how we came to be so impacted by the emotions and needs of other
people. When psychologist Carl Jung said that a newborn infant is not, “an empty vessel into which… anything can be poured,” he affirms the idea that we do not come into this world as a blank canvass. We are born already possessing certain qualities and attributes that become more evident with time.
In their respective studies of Highly Sensitive People and empaths, Elaine N. Aron and Judith Orloff refer to genetic research that shows this type of sensitivity is innate, not learned. Yet our identities are also co-created and nurtured in our relationships with others; in our formative experiences; and in the stories we tell and hear about ourselves, which we have come to believe or assume are true.
Nature: Intuitive, Empathic People
Highly Sensitive People and empaths share characteristics that naturally make them
more attuned to the emotions of others. Being more aware of others’ emotions positions
them to be more responsive to them, if only to reduce their impact upon them. The shared
characteristics of empaths and Highly Sensitive People relate to their developed sense perception (intuition). It enables them to acquire knowledge and sense things without the
use of conscious reasoning or logical evidence.
Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) naturally process and relate to things more deeply
than other people. They compare things more to past experiences – even without realizing
it. While they make intuitive decisions incredibly easily, they may struggle to make quick
conscious decisions because they look ahead, see things from all angles and consider
multiple potential outcomes, in part based on previous experience. Their tendency to
consider things deeply also means they rarely see anything in simple black or white
terms.
HSPs and empaths are extremely aware of subtleties in their surroundings, perceiving
things that other people would not even notice. Therefore, too much stimuli in their
environments (loud noise, bright lights, large groups, strong scents, clutter and general
busyness) can easily be overwhelming or draining. It’s the same if they’re given too
many things to do at once. Because they are incredibly aware of the subtle nonverbal cues
of others, they can also sense far more about the other’s mood, intentions and even
character than most people can. Their highly intuitive nature gives them an inner
knowing and awareness about things, including their interactions with others that cannot be rationally evidenced or logically explained. This is something I have found to be both incredibly valuable and challenging depending on the situation.
As a child, being perceptive of other people’s energies helped me to, perhaps
unconsciously, determine their general disposition and trustworthiness. It’s why I
instinctively felt so comfortable in the presence of some people but not others. It’s also
why at four years old, when separated from my family at a large open-air market in
France (the rabbits had been too mesmerizing for me to notice everyone else move on), I
felt totally safe with two French ladies who found me and lifted me onto their shoulders
to search for my parents. In other contexts, it’s uncomfortable to sense a big difference between what someone presents on the surface and what’s going on beneath. For example, it can be difficult when the energy radiating from a person doesn’t match the energy of their words and actions.
Neurological evidence suggests HSPs and empaths have stronger responses to the positive and negative experiences of others. This is caused by hyper-responsive mirror neurons – the brain cells that are responsible for another person’s joy, pain or fear. Not only do these people deeply resonate with the feelings of others, but they may literally feel the other person’s emotions and sensations in their own bodies, as if they belonged to them. This is known as mirror-touch synesthesia and can create confusion for the HSP/empath as to whether the feeling or emotion belongs to them or the other person.
The bodies of empaths/HSPs are porous, so like sponges they absorb the energy of
others (emotions, beliefs and physical sensations etc.) into the muscles, tissues and
organs of their bodies. On one hand this positions HSPs and empaths to be more
responsive to the energy of others, especially given how they are directly impacted by it.
On the other hand, it gives them a natural ability to adapt and fit into environments.
At this point, it’s worth clarifying the difference between having empathy or being an
empath/HSP. The former means you can imagine yourself in the shoes of the other
person and see things from their perspective, regardless of whether you share or agree
with their position. Empathy is described in phrases such as, “my heart goes out to them,”
or “I really feel for them.” By contrast, empaths and HSPs can actually experience the
emotions and feelings of the other person so when they say ‘I feel your pain’ this is
literally what they mean.
Similarities between HSPs and empaths continue. Both are conscientious and
compassionate, often with a natural desire to help others that can lead them to feel
responsible for the choices, well-being and feelings of others. At the same time, they may
refuse help themselves to avoid feeling guilty moving out of their familiar role as
supporter. If the empath’s satisfaction in life becomes linked to pleasing or helping
others, it can lead them into emotionally dependent relationships.
Both groups have a tendency towards a spiritual ideology and may experience
premonitions and prophetic visions that occur through dreams or in waking moments.
These are things I certainly relate to.
In July 2005, I was living in Toronto, Canada. That evening I’d been feeling uneasy
for several hours. I tried occupying myself but grew increasingly anxious and irritable for
no apparent reason. I went for a nighttime walk to try and make sense of it and eventually
went to bed at 2am unchanged. I spent the entire night dreaming of being led down into a
London Underground station. As I was taken deeper, I had to climb over rubble and
planks of wood and crawl through gaps of debris. Gradually I realised there were no
trains able to run here, and I was becoming trapped with no way of escape. Half an hour
after waking from this dream, I discovered several bombs had reportedly gone off in
London Underground stations. As with many HSPs and empaths, experiences such as
these can make us feel different to others around us and lead to feeling out of place in this
world.
Many of you reading this will notice a parallel between this type of heightened perception and psychic ability. The reason being that both relate to highly developed intuition. The major difference, perhaps, is that psychic ability is often used intentionally to facilitate communication with the spirit world, or psychic readings for clients. Of course, that does not mean to say that all empaths or HSPs are psychics or mediums, but it can indicate a natural propensity to develop as one.
Common Traits of Empaths and HSPs
Empaths and HSPs naturally process the world on a deeper level. You might notice subtle changes in your environment, pick up on others' unspoken feelings, or even absorb their emotions as if they were your own. These intuitive abilities can be both a gift and a challenge.
- Deep Processing: You reflect on experiences thoroughly, often seeing multiple perspectives.
- Sensitivity to Stimuli: Crowded places, loud noises, or strong scents might overwhelm you.
- Intuitive Insights: You may have gut feelings or premonitions that are hard to explain logically.
- Emotional Resonance: Feeling others' emotions deeply can make it hard to distinguish between your feelings and theirs.
Exercise: Reflecting on Your Traits
Take a moment to consider which of these traits resonate with you:
1. Write down any qualities that you identify with.
2. Reflect on situations where these traits emerge.
3. Note how these experiences affect your interactions with others.
Nurture: The Impact of Life Experiences
Of course, our past also shapes how we experience and relate to others. Early relationships, societal expectations, and significant events can reinforce our empathic tendencies.
- Formative Relationships: If you grew up feeling responsible for others' emotions, you might carry that pattern into adulthood.
- Societal Pressures: Expectations to always be accommodating can lead you to prioritize others over yourself.
Here is a personal story of a client who sought my guidance through Intuitive Soul Coaching. It is anonymised and shared with her permission:
Flora’s problem started early, in kindergarten. The tallest and biggest for her age, her appearance was reason enough to be shunned by peers. This was amplified because, able to feel the emotions of other weaker children who were being bullied by older ones, she initiated fights to protect them and attempted to educate the bullies about their actions. This naturally won her the friends she deeply desired, but unconsciously began a pattern of adopting the roles of rescuer and mediator with others to receive the love and affection she required. This became exhausting as it followed her into adulthood.
There are other types of societal pressure to conform that may be either covert or overt and affects some of us in different ways. For example, girls are possibly more expected to demonstrate compassion and be highly praised for their consideration and empathy than boys. By considering life experiences in this way, can see how the path of the empath can be a blend of nature and nature.
Finding Balance: Creating Healthy Boundaries
As overwhelm from absorbing the stress and emotions of others is common for empaths and HSP’s, it makes sense that establishing healthy boundaries is essential for their well-being. Here are some core elements of this.
1. Self-Care Practice: Prioritize activities that nurture your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health.
2. Personal Responsibility: Recognise that you are responsible for your happiness and well-being – just as other people are responsible for theirs.
3. Define Your Boundaries: Be clear about what you are willing to accept from others and what you need to protect your energy.
Stress and emotions get absorbed into the muscles and tissues of our bodies. It’s through our human energy field, or aura, that this happens. When we are tired, depleted or stressed, our energy field becomes less effective at shielding us from absorbing the energy (emotions, feelings and thoughts) of others. To deal with this, there is a simple exercise that is great for strengthening your energy field and making you less susceptible to energies of other people. It’s a good daily practice, or a go-to before and after any stressful situation.
Exercise: Creating Your Bubble
For this exercise it may be a good idea to record the instructions below so you can
play them back to yourself as you do the exercise. Allow plenty of time during the
recording to imagine each part fully.
Making sure you have plenty of space around you, simply stand with your shoulders
relaxed, your muscles relaxed, your mind relaxed. Feel your feet being supported by the
ground, connecting you deeply to the earth. Focus your attention on your breath…not
altering it in any way, just noticing each inhalation and exhalation…imagining that with
every inhalation you are breathing in energy that relaxes and replenishes every muscle,
every organ and fibre of your body. And with every exhalation you are releasing any
tension, any stress or unwanted energy from your body. You are aware of your entire
body and begin to sense the energy that is also radiating around your physical body. Now
gradually you begin to move your hands, using them like paint brushes to create a large
protective bubble all around you. As you do this you imagine light beginning to radiate
out from your hands, filling your bubble with beautiful, coloured light or lights. Keep
moving your hands around, making sure they touch every part of your bubble, reaching
above you, behind you… leaving no holes and no gaps… enjoy the sense of being inside
this beautiful, safe, bubble… it is bathing you in its coloured light… it is shielding you
from any energies outside it that are not for your highest good… and any stress, any
tension flows out of the bubble. Take time to enjoy the energy in your bubble. And now
gradually, allow your arms to rest by your side… become aware of your feet on the
ground… and aware that with every inhalation your bubble is drawing in closer to your
body… still surrounding you, still protecting you, but becoming smaller, drawing closer
to your body in preparation for you to carry on with whatever you choose to do next. You
feel grounded, centred and you are now ready to move on.
Allow yourself a few minutes now to write down your experiences.
How did it feel in your bubble? What colour or colours did you see? What associations do
you have with these colours – and what message could this be giving you at this time?
What sensations did you have? How easy was it to visualize your bubble of light?
You can repeat this exercise as often as you like. Many people find that doing this
each day has a cumulative effect and makes them feel less impacted by the emotions and
stress of others. It is especially good for anyone who feels they can be emotional sponges.
First Steps Toward Rebalancing
Embracing our empathic nature doesn't mean we have to feel overwhelmed. By understanding our traits and the impact of your experiences, we can take proactive steps to balance our deep connections with others and our self-care.
Personally, my previous experience as a therapist and professional work as a psychic medium have helped me create clearer boundaries that serve both my professional and personal lives. In both cases, I came to recognise ‘energy’ as information (thoughts, emotions, experiences) that need to be managed appropriately for me to be both of service to others and balanced within myself. Here are a couple of reflective exercises that may support this.
1. Define Your Circles of Need: Create a visual representation of your well-being by drawing circles for your physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual selves. Reflect on each area's current state and write or draw images inside each circle to affirm ways you can nourish them.
2. Set Personal Boundaries: Clearly identify what you need in your relationships. Ask yourself:
- What behaviours will I accept or decline from others?
- How can I communicate my needs effectively?
- In what ways can I invite positive interactions while protecting my energy?
Remember, like the lighthouse, you can shine your light in recognition of other people’s need and be a guiding light, without being pulled into the midst of their stormy waters.
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